<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/platform.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar/2461725696732645396?origin\x3dhttp://juiceboxpaperhat.blogspot.com', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>





Izaalee's

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it is not balanced by sadness.”
- Carl Gustav Jung



Best viewed in Mozilla Firefox.
September 7, 2009 @ 10:59 PM

Dear Diary,


I do not like how things have changed over the 7 months. As much as I need him by me like he could before, I have to adapt to the changes and accept the fact that he's busy. All the time that is. I also have to accept the fact that he forgets things very easily now. Example, I received his miscall at 8.52pm last night and when I texted him at 9.01pm, he replied saying that he did not think he had called. He had forgotten actually. Plus, he could not remember when was the last time I had met him. His reason was, all the trainings had worsened his memory. No, I'm not saying it's a lie because it goes the same for me too. I forget things easily nowadays as well, especially when I'm indulged in studies. And when I'm busy, I would not be checking my phone and there are times when I could return calls or messages the next day. It's the same, right? So yes, I understand him. I understand his schedule too but I'm just not adapting to it. That is, he can't be there for me that often anymore. I have to be strong and go through this with loads of patience. I can only pray for his safety and health. May he do great as a Marksman and get to be the LCP, and may God bless him. Amin.

Yes, I sounded as if he's my boyfriend. But well, I do hope he'd be mine one day but looking at how I handle things now, I believe our relationship would shake. I'm not a good girlfriend and has never been. Yes, I have low self-esteem, especially when I'm brought down by the previous guys. Though I know that they're the ones who had hurt me but I have my faults too. Now, I'm insecure. I am very afraid to fall in love. I don't want to hurt anyone and get hurt, anymore.

Dear Heart and Mind, why are you feeling this way? Mind, why are you thinking negative of him? And Mind would answer, "Because he's not replied the last text, that is the most important question that holds the most important answer. Something important that you need to know. Something important that determines where you stand in the friendship. And something important that would tell if he's true". So, Heart, why do you feel so heavy to let him go, why do you still keep him close to you? And Heart replied, "Because he's your last close friend, after losing the others. He's been your confidante since the past seven months. You've treasured him alot all these while. You've never perceived losing him and never thought you would. And dear, you love him too much". Have I anything left to say? Absolute no. I'm keeping mum now, with messed up mind accompanied with tears.

Dear Allah, please ease my heart and give me the strength to overcome the rough times. Please prove to me that everything will turn out alright, in time to come. Please clear my doubts I'm having regarding Jason, if it's something that I should not have. I hope to not be separated from my loved ones. I am too afraid of losing anyone else now. I have so much to face in this month of Ramadhan and I accept all these as a challenge I have to face. But I'm weak, dear Allah. I need guidance through this life I've borrowed from you. Amin.

Jonas, I know you're somewhere out there watching over me. I know they don't believe anything about you but I know you can hear and see me though I can't hear and see you. Somehow, I wish I could. Dear Jonas, please take good care of Jason wherever he is at and whatever he does. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I love you and I wish you're still alive and we could be bestfriends and I could confide in you whenever I'm feeling down. Nevertheless, you are my bestfriend now. You do know that there are times when I was sad, I had thought of calling you up but I had totally forgotten, that you're with God. And I teared real bad. I have never met you and someday, I would love to see you. May God bless your soul, my dear brother. Amin.


With lots of love & misses and hugs & kisses,
Jason's Devil's Spawn. (haha, yes he named me this :D ♥ )