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Izaalee's

“There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it is not balanced by sadness.”
- Carl Gustav Jung



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September 27, 2009 @ 11:46 PM

Have any of you felt that you're not as significant to others as they are to you? Have you felt that no one actually cares for you even if they show or say they do? What about feeling so empty and lonely inside despite having friends around you?

I'm feeling that now, all of that.

I have no idea if I've lost another friend now. I've been watching one by one step out of my life and only have the strength to pretend that I'm totally alright and strong enough to go through all of these. Only myself knows how shattered I really am. I fall apart and being no where near strong. I've totally lost faith. After losing Joanna and co., I told myself I'm not going to let anyone in anymore. I'll be fine having just Jason for he has been the close friend. But I lose to myself too easily. I thought I had gained another friend. Gradually, we got real close and he's someone I could talk about anything to. We crap, joke, tease all together. He used to say "West and East can never click" but we did. Eventually, we got drifted and it's been a week now since we last talked. I no longer have the crappy greeting just immediately I came online. I don't know if it's something I had done or he's just too busy. If it's my fault, at least enlighten me. I don't want to be treated like how Joanna and co. had done to me. Be in my position, how would you feel when someone just blame you for something that you don't know about but you only have to accept it since you have no choice? Then again, count yourself lucky enough for not having to be me, not even having to go through what I have to. Why is it when I've gained my happiness, I just have to lose them once again? Why is it when I gained a friend after losing another, I had to lose again? He used to say that he can never see girls shed tears, but look, he's making me. I'm not blaming him but I'm just sad that he's leaving too, just like Joanna had. I thought I don't have to face it all over again, but I just have to. And the worst thing about this is that, I can only watch him leave and not being able to do anything about it. I don't know if he still reads my blog, but I hope he does. And I hope things are not as what I'm thinking it's like. Yeah, that's the only thing I'm left to do - Hope.

Adding on.

It saddens me that only today I realised that it's time for Jason to leave Singapore. No, I don't know which day exactly he's leaving but I just recalled that two weeks ago, he had mentioned he's leaving in about two weeks, meaning it's this week. I'm still unsure whether he's left or leaving soon. He doesn't reply my texts from days ago and neither had he texted to say he's leaving. I'm angry at myself because I kept thinking that there's still another week to go whereas it's already time. It crossed my mind only this afternoon when I had checked the date of the text in which he had mentioned about leaving in two weeks and checked the calendar for today's date and came to realise that it's already two weeks from that day. I broke down immediately. I didn't mean to be ignorant and negligence towards him if I had seemed like so. Deep down, I still do love him. Forgive me, Jonas. Now, I'm hoping he's not yet left Singapore. I hope he'd tell me when exactly he's leaving. I would love to meet him, if he'd agree on meeting. Then again, I can only hope.

I just have to let this off my mind and have myself heard. I'm not seeking sympathy, but begging for empathy. I'm so confused, not knowing what to do. If I had lost them both, I have no say. I can just try to be strong. Of course it hurts. It hurts real bad now and it will hurt worst remembering it. It is never going to be easy for me to let go. I just have to accept this. Not as if I'm given a choice, am I?