I don't like it when people just don't reply my text messages or better still, being so anti-climax to not reply the messages when we're in the middle of a conversation. I'm not angry, just sad. Well, I'm still not over my anxiety stage which practically explains why I'm still thinking negative. Yes, he could be busy or again, had forgotten to check his phone. I choose to stay negative so that when anything bad occurs, I won't get too hurt. Then again, I know I will still get hurt over the littlest thing and cry a river over it. I'm not hoping for anything bad to occur though.

Jason's two text messages at 11 plus am had woken me up. The first message I had received was a blank message and I can't recall opening that message but when I received the second message few minutes after, I saw the first message left opened. Maybe I was still half asleep when I had opened the first message. I think the first one consists of that animation that he had once sent to me which appears to be a blank message when I open from my phone. When I received the second one, I was smiling to myself and immediately woke up though I had replied "Alamak jason. I was happily asleep you knowww" in the first part of my reply. Did I sound angry? I did not mean to, really.

Somewhere in the conversation, I had asked if I was disturbing. I meant it as just a question but somebody had said "There you go again, your not unless you think you are". I'm thinking he had scolded me for thinking negative. Nevermind, this is for sounding angry at him for waking me up. On a lighter note, someone seem to know me alot more now, eventhough it's only the 'Iza-always-think-negative' side of me. Hahaha. See, this is the problem with me. I get happy over the smallest thing and I get upset over the smallest thing as well.

The Warlock is leaving for Sarawak or somewhere, with the army, in two weeks' time, for about a month. I don't know whether I should tell him that I will be missing him but I had told him something like "Don't forget to miss me. Hahahaha. K crap" in the second part of my reply. But he did not reply to that part, only the first part which I had said "So somebody's not celebrating his birthday here in sg huh". I think for saying the second part, that's one mistake I've made, yea? Or is it alright actually? Darn, I don't know. I am seriously a sucker when it comes to Love. So somebody, please guide me through. Well, since he's leaving in probably early October, he's not celebrating his 20th birthday in Singapore. Meaning, I can't get to celebrate with him either. I don't know what to get him for his birthday! Help!

When I had mentioned about him not being able to celebrate his birthday in Singapore with his family, he told me that it's okay and that it's not his first time. I feel bad. Guilty. I thought I had brought up something that he might not want to recall. There, a second mistake I've made, I suppose. The question is not whether I would make mistakes or not because I definitely will and that is not something that I can avoid. I could learn from mistakes too but I am really worried I might hurt someone's feelings, especially Jason's. I know when he's hurt, I know he had cried over some things that I myself would tear over too. Despite him trying hard putting up a false front, I know what's deep down inside of him. Moreover he repress his feelings. Repressions are absolutely not healthy, especially when he has been doing so since he was much younger. I can't even think of a way to advise him and to tell him that I'm here for him, always. I'm just too afraid he would think I'm trying to intrude or he might just not want to open up. Worst still, he might think I'm giving him the sign that I do have feelings for him. I am not ready to let him know and I don't want to make the first move. Like what I once told Joanna, if he does not return my feelings even in the future and he actually found someone else by then, I will still not tell him and be happy with his relationship. And Joanna, being the best sister, kept telling me that one day Jason would tell me that he loves me, only that he takes things slowly. Jaysen and Joanna used to keep telling me too, that they're praying for both Jason and I to get together some day. Hahaha, those times. I'm hoping no one would come in between Jason and I, from now. Sigh. Okay I've sidetracked too much. Maybe I really should not let my fears stop me from doing something good for Jason. So someday I will try to advise him, when I have the chance to.

Speaking of letting out feelings, I think I better get this load off my mind. In regards to Alicia's blog post I had re-posted here, I really should clarify to those who're willing to listen up.
First.
Yes, I am co-dependent on someone I could rely on but I am no parasite sucking the life out of anyone around me. What makes you think so? Just because you see me hanging around people that are totally not you so you choose to assume?
Second.
Did I even impose or were you just making up stories? Or is it just you?
Thid.
I am not trying to break bonds between siblings and I never want to do that. If it's Joanna and Jason you're talking about, I have never taken Jason away from Joanna in the first place. And never have I tried to influence Jason to take my side. I never want to either.
Fourth.
Hi, yes I have my own family and Joanna and I are already like sisters and she herself told me that I was already part of her family, until you made yourself official in our group, being the third party, and influencing Joanna and the rest to hate me for I-dont-know-what-fucking-reasons have you. You're the one who're separating us and being the parasite sucking life out of us. Sadly, Joanna is blinded by you and so I had to lose her.
Fifth.
Hah! This part. I had self-proclamed that I'm muscular? Excuse me, I wouldn't say it if no one ever told me that I am muscular. Well yes, both Jaysen and Joanna had told me so. Jaysen had noticed my biceps when I was waxing and setting up his hair and there were several times I had gone home with Jaysen and in the MRT, I had held on to the upper hand rail or whatever it's called and Jaysen himself told me "If people see your arm, I'm sure they'd be shocked". And also, both Jaysen and Joanna had poked my tummy for quite a number of times and both had said that it feels hard and they were the one claiming that I have abs. Well, I do have abs. Oh yes, I had shown them my tummy when they came over my place. I have tighs and calves muscles too, if that's something you can't see either. At least I'm not all-flabs like you.
Sixth.
I am not the one with thick make ups. It's just you. Most to most, it's only my eyes that I had to use some concealer and if it does not work, I had to use some white eyeshadow for further conceal. After which I had blended it with my powder. I don't have too distinctive pink blusher that's made like in a line and not natural at all. I don't have thick eyeshadows like yours on my eyelids. I don't wear red lipstick either. I know you're trying to look EmoPunk or be one, but you're merely a poseur. Err, you go to gigs? Eeew. You bring disgrace to Emo and Punk societies.
Seventh.
I never expected to be treated like the Queen of England though I might be pampered by my parents and friends, just anyone unlike you. In case you're unaware, you're much more pampered and wanting everything to go your way. With this, you're not showing respect for making others your slaves and show no sense of gratitude or appreciation.
Eighth.
Judging by what you've said in your blog, you're merely assuming to go against me.
Ninth.
Get your facts right before going against me, though I know you're conspiring with Jonan, your beloved.
Tenth.
You fucking stole my sister and I need her back.
Eleventh.
No way I am allowing you to bring me down.
Twelveth.
Karma will take it's toll on you.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", right back at you, Bitch. You're lucky that I'm choosing to keep silent and not creating a big hoo-haa about anything that I just might. But keeping quiet does not and never mean that I'm backing off from this battle.

Enough said.