Salutations, readers. I'm Nur Izalina and people know me by Izaalee. Some psychotic bunch would address me as Izaargh. Why? Refers to the name plastered on my jersey. Haha.

I'm really frustrated with life, with people bringing my hope up with intention to just let me down. I have never hated life, until they ruin everything I live with/for. I have not told anyone the whole story so I guess it's time to let it out.

I'm thankful for the 13th of March. That was when I first met Jason. Jason is actually Joanna the bestfriend's brother, who's serving the nation now. We're close friends and for the past 7 months, I've grown feelings for him. I never dare to tell him because I'm afraid he might change his attitude towards me. Like ignore me you see. Cos he's the type that won't entertain the girl if she's confessed to him yet he's not ready for relationship. Now, my friendship with him is shaking. Why? Continue reading. 17 August 2009, friendship with Joanna the bestfriend started to change since then. I have never ever raised my voice on her and vice versa but situation at that point of time triggered me. I came to school and found out they're already met up and their attitude towards me were completely harsh. Different. While I was on my way to school, I had called Jaysen up because I need them to do the shoot which is coincidentally taking place in our school. And I was told that everyone was there already. So I asked "Why didn't any of you texted me" but Jaysen had said that he thought the rest had and he don't normally text anyone. Bullshit. So I ignored and still happily told them that I'm in need of their help and told them to wait for me. I teared after I've hung up and I'm sure the cab driver had noticed. As I was about to reach school, I received a text from Joanna saying that they would be going in first since it's already late. I didn't reply. I told myself, "They're already late and why can't they wait for just a little while". I went in alone and bumped into them somewhere along the way. I decided to not look at them at all and just walk straight to class. I settled down, saved seats for them but when they entered, they sat somewhere further. Fine, this part here is my fault for ignoring them. So when the lecturer finally excused me to leave the class and also to pick the other four to go along, I called out Melody first. I didn't want the rest to go but since I had no other choice, I called them out - Joanna, Jaysen, Jonan. Yeah, I didn't call Alicia out because first, I've had enough people and secondly, I didn't think she would be interested. While waiting for the Mediacorp crews to prepare everything, we went out of school since they wanted to smoke. I walked with Melody and at the same time, she told me that Joanna, Jaysen and Jonan had gone to Alicia's house in the morning. Well, I was not invited. Outisde, I took the opportunity to ask them why they didn't text me. Joanna said they had bumped into each other outside school. That is, Joanna had came early and had called Jaysen, to find out he's already reaching school. So both of them met up and waited for Jonan and Alicia who've met in the train and was already reaching school too. Upon hearing the 'story', I said "Up to you guy if you wanna lie to me" and Joanna answered with "Oh so you're calling us a liar". With that, I said "You guys went to Alicia's without me or did you meet outside school". They kept silent. Jonan tried covering up saying that he didn't go but had met the rest outside school cos he's late. Well, no link to the whole story. Really. Then I asked why didn't they sit with me and Jonan said that I had showed the face and attitude and if it's me, I wouldn't sit with them too if they had given that same attitude. Fine, I admit it's my fault. Then I asked what is it I've done to them that make them treat me this way. Joanna said I should know and I said I don't. Then Joanna said I should ask myself and even if I ask the rest, they won't tell. It's totally unfair. They're blaming me for something I don't know about and I've to accept it without knowing anything. It's like, they're keeping me in the dark, me being innocent, yet I'm being blamed. So I apologised (eventhough i still dont know what ive done) but Joanna said "You don't come apologising to us". THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY WANT FROM ME?!" I teared but they ignored. I can't be bothered either. Melody tried calming me down. Thank you. Joanna said they're fine with it but I doubt they are because if they really are, there won't be any tension until now. Right? Okay back to the story. Then I told her to just be normal and no more fighting. So we went in and met the crew. I'm positioned at the second floor while the rest were on the first. After Joanna, Melody, Jonan and I had done with our parts, Melody and I waited for Jaysen while Joanna and Jonan went back to class to submit their essays. Melody told me that when I wasn't with them on the first floor, they had asked her how come I knew that they went to Alicia's house in the morning and Melody told them "She asked where are you guys at so I told her". Thank you for covering for me! Then we three went back to class. Joanna and Jonan said they couldn't get out of class cos Miss Kaveri didn't allow them to since school's going to end soon. After school, Joanna asked where I'm going so I said, "Lets go lunch?" But she said she got to help her dad out, Jonan was meeting his friends, Jaysen meeting parents at Vivo. So I said I'm going home. We all left the class, Alicia was still doing her project discussion with Melody and Jeanette. Joanna left with Jonan and I left with Jaysen. Along the way, I told them I got to go office regarding the school contract but actually, I was meeting Sir Amir to confide in him. I had the feeling that all of them are actually meeting up and had lied to me. But it's okay. After talking to Sir, I texted Melody and asked if they're going out but she said she didn't know anything. Guess Jonan and Joanna had told Alicia that Melody told me everything and so Alicia told Melody not to tell me anything already. So I ignored. At night I texted Jason, to confide in him. Before I could tell him everything, Alicia called me up to ask about the rest and whether wanna meet up the next day. I thought everything was alright. So I was happy once again. I told Jason that everything's fine so I didn't tell him anything. The next day, I went to school and waited for them to go to school together. But only Jonan and Alicia came so we three went to school first. Jaysen was with Joanna and they both came later. After school, together with some other classmates went to One Fullerton to do our project. I texted Jason to remind him not to tell Joanna anything I've shared with him and he told me not to worry. Joanna said she got to leave by 10pm so I told Brother to fetch me. At 10.30pm, we have not leave yet so I asked Joanna when is she leaving, she kept on saying "Later". By the time my brother reached, they're not leaving yet so I left first. In the night, I got really depressed that I had drank cough syrup together with coke. The next morning I woke up, gasping for air. I tried controlling my breathing and after which, I threw up. I was weak. I fell back to sleep. In the afternoon, I woke up and texted Jason, saying I needed someone to talk to. But he didn't reply. Might be busy or went camping in the jungle. Days after then he replied but I didn't tell him anything. Last week we were texting and joking around but our conversation ended halfway. I had also asked him for break-fast one day but he said he got to see first cos he's having busy week. Bear in mind, there is still the tense among the Joanna, Jaysen, Jonan, Alicia and myself and the are days I sat alone in class, not mixing around with anyone or hanging around with Sabrina and co. Except for the Thursday when Joanna and Alicia and I went for break-fast together and I had bought Joanna the same necklace as mine. But when Friday came, their attitude changed again. I thought they might just be making use of me. Last Monday I asked Jason whether he'd still be my friend if Joanna and I fall apart and he said "Sure why not". I was happy to know that I won't lose him, as his my last close friend I'm left with. On Tuesday night, I received a text message from Jaysen, saying that Joanna wants her mp3 back. So I said I wanted my mp3, watch and my possessions that're with her. Jaysen then replied that Joanna wants her stuffs back, together with Jason's. I didn't reply cos I was angry. Cos she shouldn't interfere in my friendship with her brother. Around 1 plus AM, Joanna texted saying that she can only return my watch and mp3 the next day while the rest, she got to search for them first. So I said it's okay, take her time and I took the opportunity to ask why is she breaking friendship with me after 7 months of friendship and that we were happy before until things screwed up and alot of changes occurred in just less than a month (because just on 1st August, we had gone to watch the NDP Preview thanks to Jason for the tickets). I also said that I still need her eventhough I mix with someone else. She said she wasn't breaking friendship with me but she need the mp3 back because Jason was asking about it. Well yea, it was Jason's once before. And Joanna said she misses me and wanted to talk to me but I'm hanging around people she doesn't like so that held her back. And had asked me to sit with her once the tense's gone. Then I asked her to not forbid me with Jason because it hurts real bad to lose someone you love and she said she never forbid and whats between me and Jason is not her problem. So after the conversation with Joanna, I texted Jason saying that I was really happy. The next day, everything was alright. I came up to her to return the mp3 but she said she didn't bring mine cos it's in her other bag and Miguel had taken that bag for camp. So I hold on to her mp3 first, said Friday then return the mp3. During class, I was reminded of the project and so I texted her to ask whether I'm still in her group for the project. She said yes and wanted me to go online at night to discuss about it. I replied saying if I'm no longer in her group, I'd do it myself and since I'm still in it, I'll go online in the night. After school I went off with them - Joanna, Jaysen, Jonan, Alicia but talked to none of them. Once reached the MRT station, I separated from them cos I got to rush home for break fast as it was already 6pm. The train I boarded was crowded so they waited for the next one. At night, I went online and started a conversation with Joanna, asking about the project but she didn't reply. Alicia then started a conversation with me and so I asked why didn't Joanna reply me. She said Joanna might have already slept. So I was okay with it. Hours later, somewhere around 3am, I checked Facebook and realised that she's active there. So I was again, crushed. I ignored that though. Then I noticed her relationship status, it's set to In A Relationship but didn't state with who. Before I went to sleep, I gave her my blog url, cos that time I had written something for her, and said "Someone in a relationship already. Never share story with me". And she didn't reply. The next day I didn't talk to her in school. Only when I was about to leave the class, I said "Goodbye" to her. At night through MSN, I asked her again, regarding the project. She then asked me to ask Jonan since he's the group leader. I hesitated to ask him but few minutes after, he asked me for my part. Then I said that nobody told me what to do. And so I asked him to tell me what I'm supposed to do. He said he's gonna ask the rest and ended up he didnt get back to me. When I did, he said the rest went to bed already. Then I didn't reply cos I knew Joanna and the rest were online and when I asked him, they went off already. So I figured he had lied and didn't want me to contribute and not put my name in. Why? I don't know. I can't be bothered about the projects already. So once again I got all sad and texted Jason, to confide in him. But he didn't reply. Yesterday I found out from one of Jason's sisters that he has already gotten home from camp. I felt more sad cos he didnt reply me at all. Not any of the texts this week. Then I confided in Johanna. I'm afraid that those people had influenced Jason to not be my friend anymore. I mean, you see, Joanna had said that whatever that's betweeen me and Jason is not her business, why did she ask for Jason's stuffs back at the time when she asked for hers. Well, eventhough she might be angry at me but shes contradicting herself. So means, there's a possiblity that Joanna could influence Jason to hate me. Zura once told me that she thinks that Joanna is being influenced to hate me too. According to Zura, she saw Joanna still needs me but being influenced could be the reason why she's staying away from me. It's really unfair. Alicia had once lost her bestfriend of six years and she cried badly everyday, wanting her back. Meaning, she should know how I feel, losing Joanna. Six years or six months, so what, friendship is friendship, bonds are still created. Right? Selfish please. Snatch Joanna away from me. Actually, it's my fault too, keep dragging her along for dinner after school and ended up, shes official. She used to always be with Melody and Jeanette and because of me, she's sticking with Joanna. Melody got closer to Jeanette since they live near each other. Now, I've totally lost my bestfriend cos of my stupidity. Yesterday I was reading Jonan's blog and I got real mad. It's written "It is even more bizarre when someone supposedly speaks to a deceased loved one of yours. Especially if he/she hasn't even met the person. That's just plain freaky, and I'd knee the person in the nuts(if they had them) if anyone told me that". Because Joanna knows that I always pray to Jonas and Jonas is Jason's twin brother, AKA Joanna's brother too. She got nothing against it and she knows that Jonas is watching over me. I know too because both of us have seen the after result. When Alicia joined us, I shared with her everything, even about Jonas. So I guess she might have told Jonan about it. Ahhhh, she likes Jonan so to keep the 'friendship' alive, she's willing to tell everything to Jonan. Caring is sharing what right. Either Alicia or Joanna or Jaysen. Whatever. I just can't accept it that they're being disrespectful. Call me crazy but I know what's true. Just now I texted Jason asking if he's angry at me and to tell me if he is so I won't bother him anymore. But up till now, he has yet to reply. What if I had to lose him. It's so hard. Andand, the first song in my playlist is one of his favourite. Sigh. Really, I don't know what to feel. It's hard for me to let go both Jason and Joanna, after all these while. I'm praying hard that Jason's not angry at me and not breaking friendship with me. Yea, my last close friend. And Joanna, my bestfriend/best sister. Please God, make them stay. :(

Right, apologies for the improper context. Can't be bothered. I just want to let the load off my shoulders and mind. Sigh. Bye.